A Parody for Samantha
by Tara Farrago
Summary: a farce of that two-parter episode that finally wrapped up Samantha Mulder's case


The following is a parody, meant in no way to disgrace the writers of The X-Files or discourage viewers from watching it, and meant in every way to completely make fun of the writing on The X-Files and to alert the viewers of how stupid the show can be sometimes. Disclaimers are useless, but thanks to all the people at FOX and Ten Thirteen and of course Chris Carter, who own all the characters and situations below (pretty much).   
  


This is a spoof of the second part of the two part episode involving Samantha Mulder. I wish I knew what it was called. If you know, tell me. Anyway, what happened in the previous episode is this: a little girl disappeared and Mulder got all anxious about it because of the case's similarity to his sister's supposed abduction. The little girl then appeared to her parents as a ghost or something, which led them to this crazed Santa Claus-wannabe and a field of shallow graves for the children he'd killed. So then in the second installment, Mulder finds out what happened to his sister, says goodbye to her ghost, and.... that's it.   
  


If you didn't see the episode, you might as well not read this story. It's completely a parody of it, and you won't get any of the humor unless you've seen it.   
  


Anyway, knock yourself out!   
  
  
  
  
  


X-Files Pt 2 (Mulder's Sister Episode)   
  


(We begin with the opener. . . .)   
  


MULDER: My mother's dead and my sister, despite NUMEROUS prior episodes concerning her, is STILL missing, and my partner has turned into a red-headed bitch. So I'm going to go on and on in an annoying monotone voice about spiritual stuff that even I don't buy into, cause I'm depressed, dammit, and it's a depressing opener about little kids being killed by a sadistic Santa Claus wannabe, and I want the audience to FEEL MY ANGUISH!!! So here we go, all the way through the opening theme song, or where the theme song should be anyway--I've been talking so long that there's no time for it, so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . .   
  


(The last frame of the credits appears: a dark sky over blurry mountains, but the words 'The Truth Is Out There' have been mysteriously replaced by the following phrase:)   
  


CRYPTIC BULLSHIT THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS   
  
  
  


(Scully finds Mulder hunched over a strip of film)   
  


SCULLY: Mulder, you're personalizing this case.   
  


MULDER: What's that, Scully?   
  


SCULLY: Stop personalizing this and every other case, Mulder.   
  


MULDER: I'm sorry, Scully. But whenever you say the words 'stop' and 'personalizing' in the same sentence, I just completely blank out.   
  


SCULLY: Mulder, I'm really getting sick and tired of having to say this to you every episode, but WOULD. YOU. PLEASE--   
  


MULDER: (sticks his fingers in his ears) Nope, sorry! Can't hear you, Scully! La la la la la!   
  


SCULLY: Dammit, I don't need this. (She walks out into the hall grumbling) Mulder! There's another screwy weirdo out here to see you!   
  


(Mulder goes out into the hall and meets Scully and a man standing together)   
  


SCULLY: Mulder, this is Harold.   
  


HAROLD: Hi, I'm psychic weirdo #28796. I'm here to act as a parallel to Agent Mulder because I, too, am driven by the mysterious loss of a loved one.   
  


MULDER: Who?   
  


HAROLD: My son. And you . . . I sense that . . . [gasp] your sister!   
  


MULDER: Harold!   
  


HAROLD: Fox!   
  


(They embrace)   
  


SCULLY: (mutters) He never lets ME call him 'Fox'.   
  


MULDER: (over Harold's shoulder) We could get sued if we use my name too often, Scully.   
  


SCULLY: By who? Our own network?!   
  


MULDER: Aw, come on. Stranger things have happened.   
  


SCULLY: (snorts) Don't I know it.   
  


(Mulder and Harold continue to hug each other)   
  


SCULLY: Okay, okay, break it up! (Pulls them apart) Mulder, come with me. (Drags Mulder away) Mulder, this guy's a crackhead.   
  


MULDER: Scully! You haven't even heard what he has to say!   
  


SCULLY: I don't need to! I already know he's a phoney!   
  


MULDER: Then how did he know about my sister?   
  


SCULLY: He's probably seen the reruns!   
  


MULDER: I still think you should at least hear him out. I believe him.   
  


SCULLY: You haven't heard him yet, either!   
  


MULDER: He's a psychic freak! I believe all psychic freaks on this show.   
  


SCULLY: He's a CRACKHEAD! And I DISBELIEVE all crackheads on this show!   
  


MULDER: Ugh! I am so TIRED of you contradicting me!   
  


SCULLY: I'm a contradictory person! My beliefs change of a biweekly basis and I change my mind constantly! Why can't you just accept me for who I am?   
  


MULDER: (stamps foot) I hate you! (Stomps off, muttering to himself) I never get laid.   
  


(Harold approaches him)   
  


HAROLD: Agent Mulder! I've had a vision of your recently dead mother!   
  


MULDER: Damn you and damn your psychic-crackhead bullshit! I'm depressed and I don't want to believe you anymore! You're just a lowly little plot device, anyway! Why should I listen to you?   
  


HAROLD: Because these large bold words just mysteriously appeared on this piece of paper, and because my son is gone and you should feel sorry for me! I'm so tired of being harassed by you people!   
  


MULDER: [gasp!] You're right! Take me there!   
  
  
  


(Meanwhile, in Scully's apartment . . .) 

(Scully comes home and finds CSM Spender in her chair, smoking a cigarette as always)   
  


SCULLY: Don't you know that thing will kill you?   
  


CSM: Like you give a damn. (Puffs smoke in her face)   
  


SCULLY: What are you doing here? Why did you call off the search for Mulder's sister?   
  


CSM: Because I felt like it. Because I knew she was dead.   
  


SCULLY: You're an asshole and if I weren't bound by a moral code, I'd kill you right now.   
  


CSM: Besides, as previous episodes have shown, I am immortal, as well as omnipotent, for I hold a copy of every X-Files script that has ever been and ever will be written.   
  


SCULLY: My god! I have to call Mulder, even though he won't believe me anyway!   
  


(CSM disappears in a mysterious puff of smoke)   
  
  
  


(Mulder and Harold are in a car. Mulder's phone rings)   
  


MULDER: Hello?   
  


SCULLY: Mulder! Cigarette Smoking Man Spender was involved in your sister's investigation!   
  


MULDER: Duh, Scully. We've known that since the very beginning. But right now it doesn't matter and I don't believe it, because I'm a man on a mission, and dagnammit, I'm going to find my sister! (He hangs up)   
  


SCULLY: Hello? Hello? Dammit!   
  
  
  


(Mulder and Harold are standing on a dark base which is clearly deserted; a police car drives by)   
  


MULDER: Quick! A lame-attempt-at-building-tension! Hide! (They dive behind some dusty trash cans)   
  


POLICE OFFICER DRIVING THE CAR: I signed up so I could shoot people, dammit. And what do I get stuck with? I get to drive around a deserted army base at night so that no one will find some little girl's diary because my superiors are too lazy to remove it. (Takes a swig of beer) I hate my life. (Drives around a corner and swerves into a lamp post)   
  


MULDER: Good. Harold, where's the house?   
  


HAROLD: I don't know! I've lost the scent!   
  


MULDER: Come on boy! Come on! Find the scent! (Trips over a cement stone) What the--? Look! In the ground! It's Samantha's handprint! And Jeffrey Spender's, too!   
  


(Scully drives up)   
  


MULDER: Scully! You were right!   
  


SCULLY: Of course I'm right! I'm always right! Well, at least as far as the nitty gritty crap is concerned. When it comes to theories and monsters and solving cases goes, well, I guess that's your department, isn't it?   
  


MULDER: Damn straight.   
  


HAROLD: Okay, let's move, people. Time to hold a seance!   
  
  
  


(The three of them enter the house. Harold produces a crystal ball, a turban, and a Ouija board.)   
  


HAROLD: If you will all please hold hands. I am going to need complete silence, please. Also, I have a special offer going for palm reading, if you're interested.   
  


MULDER: Ooh!   
  


HAROLD: Shh!   
  


MULDER: Sorry.   
  


SCULLY: [giggles] I feel like I'm in high school again. (Hums theme to The Twilight Zone.)   
  


MULDER: Scully! That song is copyrighted! Do you want to get sued and lose your job?   
  


SCULLY: Okay, okay! Sorry! (Hums theme to The X-Files.)   
  


MULDER: Better.   
  


HAROLD: SSH!!!   
  


MULDER and SCULLY: Sorry!   
  


(There is silence; finally, Mulder opens his eyes and sees the ghostly figure of a little boy, which takes his hand and leads him down the hall)   
  


(Scully opens her eyes)   
  


SCULLY: Mulder's gone!   
  


HAROLD: My, don't WE have a knack for the obvious?   
  


SCULLY: Shut up, crackhead.   
  


(There is a WHAM! from down the hall)   
  


SCULLY: Mulder?   
  


MULDER'S MUFFLED VOICE: I'm okay!   
  


(Scully and Harold follow his voice and find him tearing a wall apart)   
  


SCULLY: What are you doing?   
  


MULDER: I was led here by a ghost.   
  


HAROLD: (staring at dust filling the air) What about asbestos?   
  


MULDER: Shut up. (Gasps and pulls a book out of the wall) Look, a diary! My sister's diary, at that!   
  


SCULLY: Oh, shock of shocks.   
  


DRUNK POLICE OFFICER: (looks in window, sees Mulder w/ diary) Aw damn. I'm screwed. (Passes out)   
  


MULDER: (sits down and starts reading aloud) 'This is the almost definitive proof that everything the fans have been led to believe is true. I say almost because, really, it could have been faked. They've been performing tests on me again. I hate that. It really pisses me off. Meanwhile, I've been thinking about my past--if I have a past. I think I might have had an older brother with brown hair (as opposed to the rainbow-iridescent hair I'd previously thought he had) who teased me sometimes. A lot of the time. God, he was really annoying! Anyway, I hope he'll read this someday so he'll know I didn't forget and so he can be brought to tears by my tragic, tragic tale . . .' (Mulder is brought to tears)   
  


(Scully and Harold stand around solemnly)   
  


MULDER: Look, it says here that she was going to run away. Then it stops. Hold on! I'm having a serious revelation here! (Thinks for a while) If . . . if the journal entries stopped, then . . .   
  


HAROLD: Then maybe she ran away!   
  


MULDER: Scully! Isn't this guy amazing?! Not only can he speak with the dead, but he's telepathic, too!   
  


HAROLD: Actually, it was just a lucky guess.   
  


MULDER: Oh.   
  


HAROLD: No, if you want telepaths, you'll have to wait another hundred years or so. Or better yet, if you can hold out for a few extra centuries more, I can recommend this really great place out in neutral territory . . .   
  


SCULLY: Oh, so now you can see into the future, too?   
  


HAROLD: (defensively) As a matter of fact . . .   
  


MULDER: Hey guys. Just a shot in the dark here, but if Samantha ran away when she was (checks date in book) 14, then maybe she was admitted to one of the local hospitals.   
  


SCULLY: (checks watch and shrugs) What the hell. We've got another fifteen minutes of this episode left, anyway.   
  
  
  


(Mulder and Scully are at the hospital, going through the records)   
  


SCULLY: Look! It's the record of a 14-year-old girl that fits your sister's description!   
  


MULDER: Lemme see that! (Snatches away file) 'Jane Doe'. Aw, damn, Scully. It's not her.   
  


SCULLY: (smacks him upside the head) You idiot!   
  


MULDER: Oh right! False name! (smacks forehead) Duh!   
  


SCULLY: We should go talk to the nurse that admitted her.   
  
  
  


(Scully, Harold, and Mulder are outside the nurse's house)   
  


MULDER: I'll stay here. (No, sorry folks. No funny quip here. His refusing to go up to the door was pretty powerful.)   
  


(Scully and Harold knock on the door. A kindly old woman opens the door.)   
  


KINDLY OLD WOMAN: Who the hell are you?   
  


SCULLY: I'm with the FBI. This is Harold, a psychic-weirdo-crackhead.   
  


HAROLD: Hey! I resemble that remark!   
  


SCULLY: Shut up, crackhead. Listen, Miss Kindly-old-woman, is it true you were a nurse at the local hospital?   
  


HAROLD: Just the facts, ma'am.   
  


SCULLY: Crackhead, shut up. Let me do the police work. Now, Miss Kindly-old-woman . . .   
  


KINDLY OLD WOMAN: Yes, I was a nurse.   
  


SCULLY: I see. Well, about thirty years ago, a little girl was brought in and you admitted her.   
  


KINDLY OLD WOMAN: Are you kidding?! You expect me to remember ONE LITTLE GIRL from THIRTY YEARS AGO?!?!?! I didn't even take my ginko-boloba today!!!   
  


SCULLY: (to Harold) Go ahead, do your work.   
  


(Harold steps forward and places his hand on Kindly-old-woman's forehead.)   
  


HAROLD: HEAL!!! HEAL!!! HEAL!!!   
  


SCULLY: (pulls him away) That's enough. Now, Miss Kindly-old-woman, do you remember?   
  


KINDLY OLD WOMAN: Yes!! I remember!! She was a lovely little girl. Poor thing. Shame that she died.   
  


MULDER: (from down near car) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (Runs away into the woods)   
  


SCULLY: Mulder!   
  


KINDLY OLD WOMAN: One more thing! There was a man who came in looking for her. He was smoking a cigarette.   
  


SCULLY: Oh my gosh! Cigarette Smoking Man Spender went after her!   
  


HAROLD: Um . . . Agent Scully, I hate to intrude on your wonderful detective work, but you do know how many people were smokers thirty years ago, don't you?   
  


SCULLY: Shut up, crackhead.   
  


HAROLD: Because, I mean, ANYONE could have come in smoking a cigarette--   
  


SCULLY: I said SHUT UP, crackhead! Hey, where'd Mulder go?   
  


(Mulder returns.)   
  


MULDER: Scully, I saw her.   
  


SCULLY: Where have you been? Saw who?   
  


MULDER: My sister. I saw my sister.   
  


SCULLY: Mulder, I hate to break it to you, but your sister's dead.   
  


MULDER: I know.   
  


SCULLY: Okay, I'm lost.   
  


MULDER: I saw her ghost. And all the other children, too. Including your little boy, Harold.   
  


HAROLD: No! NO! I refuse to believe you! My little boy's not dead! He's alive! He was abducted by aliens! I know he was! It was ALIENS, I tell you!!!!   
  


MULDER: Harold, I SAW his ghost!!!   
  


HAROLD: (plugs his ears) Nope, sorry, I can't hear you! La la la la la!   
  


SCULLY: Much though I sympathize with the psychic-weirdo over the loss of his son, you know what I find the most annoying about him?   
  


MULDER: What's that, Scully?   
  


SCULLY: He's so much like you.   
  


MULDER: Why, Scully, I'm not sure if I should be insulted or flattered.   
  


SCULLY: Insulted.   
  


MULDER: Okay. Scully, how could you say such a thing!? I'm hurt! I'm insulted!   
  


SCULLY: Are you okay, Mulder?   
  


MULDER: No! I just can't get over how insulted you've made me feel!   
  


SCULLY: (smacks him upside the head) About your sister, stupid!   
  


MULDER: Oh! Right. Well, you know, considering that I was never given any proof that she was still alive today, and I think we ALL suspected she was dead, it didn't come as too much of a shock. At least now that I finally know, I can move on with my life.   
  


SCULLY: About damn time. So, does this mean you're done with the X-Files?   
  


MULDER: Of course not! There's still so much to expose! So many mysteries yet unsolved! So many more boogey-men to track down!   
  


SCULLY: Oh. [shrugs] All right. Let's go home, then.   
  


MULDER: Yep. Let's go.   
  
  
  


Fin. 


End file.
